“This Is Dumb!”—What It Really Means to Embitter Our Kids

Today on the way home from getting groceries, I had what I thought was a great idea. Instead of piling on chores or nagging my kids to get off their screens, I decided to assign music. I announced that they would spend an hour working on their instruments.

“What?!”

“Seriously?”

“This is dumb.”

Cue the sighs, eye rolls, and full-body flops on the couch in protest.

It was not the enthusiastic response I imagined during my drive home. But here’s the thing: they did it. Not only that, they ended up enjoying it. No one admitted I was right (of course not), but I saw the smiles.

This little episode got me thinking about a verse I’ve certainly thought about as a parent:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” — Ephesians 6:4

Other translations use the word “embitter.” At first glance, that seems nearly impossible to avoid. I mean, can we talk about how easy it is to provoke our kids to anger?

Tell them it’s bedtime?

They’re angry.

Say no to dessert?

They’re angry.

Look at them the wrong way, breathe too loudly, cook the wrong dinner?

Yep. Angry.

So what does it mean not to embitter or provoke our kids to anger?

The Bible isn't telling us to keep our kids perpetually happy. That’s not the goal—and it’s not possible. What Paul warns against in this verse isn’t momentary frustration or the temporary sting of correction. He’s talking about patterns of parenting that crush a child’s spirit, sow resentment, or make them feel unseen or unloved.

To embitter a child is to:

• Criticize constantly without encouragement

• Discipline without love or consistency

• Withdraw affection as punishment

• Shame them instead of guiding them

• Treat them more like a burden than a blessing

  
  

You can do all the “right” parenting things—set boundaries, stay consistent, teach responsibility—and still have your kids get mad. That’s normal. Just because they push back doesn’t mean you’re provoking them in the way Paul warned about. Even Jesus faced rejection. So no, your kids being frustrated about music practice? That’s not what this verse is about.

That day in my kitchen, as I listened to piano keys, guitar strings, and the squeak of a recorder, I felt reassured. I had asked something of my kids—and they pushed back, sure. But I also saw them try, create, get a little goofy, and enjoy. That's not embittering them—that's building them

And maybe, in the middle of the groans and "this is dumb"s, they knew it too.

Challenge: Next time your kids push back, ask yourself—not “Are they mad?” but “Is this building them up or breaking them down?” There’s a difference between anger that refines and bitterness that wounds.